It's not good anymore. 

I've been doing way too much...stuff. Stuff that accumulates into the typical "collegiate experience." But all of this, it's just not good. Two semi-pseudo-interventions later, I finally kinda sorta see what's going on. For the past two or so weeks, I've been huffing and puffing myself out. Every fucking day. I don't even know why, I just don't fucking care. I don't even care about this post, I'm just posting this emo shit because I need to pinpoint and record this fleeting, concrete feeling. And what could that be? Fucking indifference. When you are so fucking close to getting that one thing- love- and it...just...doesn't....come.....together- it reaches inside of you and takes it out of every fiber of your being. (Basically, it sucks). And it sucks even more than having it with somebody, and losing it. Because at least then, you have an actual womb of memories to cling to in the infant hours of the morning when you're alone. And I don't know about you, but that's a hell of a lot more than the silent killer, "what if?" A hell of a lot more. 

So, I found myself tonight in the ever-perennially long line of students waiting to inhale some grub late at night. I saw one of those "hey, what's up? nothing, you?" friends sitting alone, so focused, studying. I had some glorious white widow waiting for me in Bobby's car with my friends. (Obviously a good time). And yet, I was so fucking envious of that girl studying. To find that motivation, hope, and belief- and then be able to keep it- is something that is so beyond me. I can't hold onto anything. 

On another note, da White Stripes have some new shit out. finally.

And another, PBS has gotten into the habit of featuring olddd school Bill Cosby stand-up stuff late at night. So old school, it's pre-ugly-sweater era. Creepy. 

"Should've known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do." - dece song, ace words.